I don't become smarter anymore

Thinking back to people who've died or gotten killed, I've thought about myself: that could've been me! If I died today for some reason, I would die a life that was totally unfair and unjust, constantly trying to figure out what was wrong in life, and how it was possible to change it, as well as why it was the way it was. People have left me behind by many miles, not physically but mentally, and I've found myself drifting alone looking distantly in all directions, with a good enough life being so far away that I'll never reach it. I know it's not true, but at the same time it is, because I don't know why. And if I don't know why now, I'll never find out or become smarter than who I already am.

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