The past times of my life

I've been thinking, and missing, the times of the past, when I once spent time thinking about good stuff, about alternative thoughts (like lots of germans being interested in out of body experiences), as well as before I was where I wasn't supposed to be both in terms of state of mind and physically. I remember still, the time when I was accused of so much, when people were nicer to me, when I could freely think about whatever the fuck I wanted, as well as being in a better situation. I remember receiving lots of happiness from interesting thoughts that don't come to me anymore, a time of finding out many interesting things and when I was full of ideas that I might've at the time accomplished because of no monetary restraints: and yet it's today, a time of situations that I never in my craziest thoughts or nightmares thought would ever become real. I've been beaten up psychologically so much, don't have any incentive to be a nice person or to directly (or indirectly) benefit anyone. I don't have incentive to benefit society in anyway, after what I've experienced, and I don't feel that life is worth anything. I wish that I could find happiness from jokes and turn random sayings or other people's ramblings into something of interest, but life never ceases to disappoint me. It's all practically gone, I'm not finding any happiness or satisfaction these days: I'm rarely if ever finding anything nice to listen to, whether it's other people's thoughts or music in general. I sucked up all of the remaining benefit that I ever had from life, from now on, there's no hope in other people or the world in general. I used up so much happiness too much too early in life. I can't see anymore what's in store for me down in the future. It's all so horrifying, and with that in mind I just wait for the painkillers that life has brought me to wear off, ending all that was ever bad in life to begin with. This, is the story. The story of my life!