Something far greater than me makes me suffer in life

As someone who's had an incredible amount, or level, of hormones, I have literally lived a life that equates to a horror movie. For example, being at a very populated area was literally a curse, because I'd too often see too many pretty people, who I wanted to see or have a relations with: and often, I lost sight of them too quickly, to immediately realize that I'd never see them. And the urge to at least see what they looked like what so great, you really can't imagine this stuff. Inside of me, I broke down, and realized that beauty is deadly because of the way it can influence emotions, to the point of wanting to be dead rather than alive, to no longer endure this existence. I'm still trying to cope with the past, it's seriously better to not have been born in the first place- or at least that's what I've been thinking. And upon breaking down, I wanted to die, because I realized how much stuff-music, movies, & experiences- that I'd be missing out on because I made seeing those people my first priority: keep in mind, that I never planned on, or wanted to, make other people my first priority, but something far greater than myself has taken control, and I feel like literally I will suffer indefinitely because of these events of not getting to have a chance at pursuing that of most importance. Well being of a person is so important, and all of my well being has been destroyed by emotion and situation.