Why I've been wanting war, why I've been depressed

I hate waiting, literally as if it were death to me: several years ago, I started writing in my blog very dark things, notably that I wanted war to start and other things that I don't recall that can be likened to war and total annihilation; I thought that since I'm not allowed to die, perhaps the world could finally come to an end just so that I could exit my emotional state of despair, which would never cease to end for me. Let me talk about waiting again. There's no point in waiting like I've been waiting. Waiting is fine once, but when short waits get repeated many times in life, it can add up to thousands and thousands of hours lost, which is what has happened in my case. No wonder then, that I've been feeling like I might die and fearing the worst; my mind can't stand waiting!!! It literally has the ability to make me crazy, and let me tell you, I'm an exceptionally strong person as it has to do with my mind's resilience. But when waiting is combined with a series of other things in life that make me hurt even more, it really has taken a toll on me. I have literally wanted war to break out, and I have wanted such a thing to happen for several years, because I don't want to live out this life that I've been having, where I virtually don't know what fairness and justice is, and in which many people, including ones who are my age, have been having so much fun while I haven't been ever able to figure out this life of mine. I haven't had much pleasure or fun out of life, because I've realized that I've paid too much of a price in the form of suffering, and after I've realized it, I don't want to seek anything in life, because life is like a lost cause. Everything that could go wrong, always whenever I even try to begin to have pleasure or fun, or happiness like other people have tried to have, everything starts to go wrong, people have constantly gotten mad at me, have been literally furious at me for not conforming to society inch-by-inch. It's just...difficult. I might be different in some ways to other people, but I've been wanting to stay myself. I never got to find out the reason for my life, why I've been put here in the first place. And my doubt about ever finding a reason for the vast majority of stuff that has been happening in my life is more than just a thought, it's a feeling, because this feeling has never ceased to disappoint; and I'm disappointed by my experiences in life. I've realized that I haven't been perfect though. But you don't need to be perfect in life; I just don't get it, you know? How much of a bastard was I to never take my desired advantage of life? Everything was fine early in my life, but then pretty soon everything had to be fucked, that is, my relationship with family, classmates, and even strangers; What makes this a horrible fact is that I've realized this for much of my life, but could never reverse time to make things better, all of the while people never truly forgave me for being who I am, a little bit different but still nice to people. I've even been told by someone that it's not being kind that makes people good, & I tried to refuse that very idea, despite my life's experiences. People never gave me much chance to excel at life, and I'm very disappointed by them, because I'm certainly a failure. I'm pretty certain at this point that my refusal to take medicine and my constant aversion to medical help has played a role in my life, and as a result, I've been left with a permanent change in my mind. I can't stand to listen or read about peoples' positivity in life, because positivity and overall happiness in life as portrayed especially by social media, is life's sugarcoating, and that as well has made me crazy even if I don't evidently show that craziness myself. I must've realized that discontent, and how concerning this world is to me. As for failure, some failures can't be reversed or improved upon, sadly enough...