What I've learned as a result

Okay, let's do a rundown of this entire timeline, my life is a long story after all: In elementary school, saying some stupid stuff, in 4th grade, being called a bitch without reason...then the problems went away, until 6th grade, when someone started verbally harassing me. I thought that this was the end, because I had never met them before, after all of that happened. Then, my problems subsided again, and came back in 12th grade, this time with full force. However, In 2012 or early 2013, I was walking home from school: met a nice-looking girl who I'd like never seen before, and yet ever since then, had never talked to because I had so many problems at the time that I was trying to figure out that were overtaking my mind, and actually were having visible effects out in the real world, not just in my mind. A long time afterwards (at the end of 2013), after that event had long gone by now, I started working and school at the same time; as a result of doing too much at once, I fell into despair; I was admitted to the hospital, and despite me being perfectly normal at the time, was somehow diagnosed with depression. And even after leaving for a short time, I had been hypnotized by feelings of acute psychosis, which seemed to somehow make me feel slightly euphoric. Long after I'd left the hospital, in January of 2014, I had some ominous feelings, and such feelings have lasted until as recently as February 2019. Over that length of time, I had thought about many things, and time had seemed to go by so fast, that my thoughts really couldn't keep up. I felt like being stuck in time somehow, if that makes sense; the world kept moving along, but I felt deep inside that there were many problems in my life that needed to be addressed, but would probably be difficult to explain so that others could understand. I never would've imagined that over the course of only a few years, so much stuff would happen in my life, so many problems that is; Many things have happened in my life, especially over the years 2013-early 2019; I almost can't even imagine all that has been happening, that's just how crazy it's been. It is very likely, that many things/problems of my life came together, which is why I was failing emotionally. For example, being on vacation might've been a happy point in my life during these years ever since I left high school, but the happiness was short-lived and only fleeting moments. I kept wondering to myself, "Why am I often so lacking in terms of happiness?" Also, seeing someone who I liked based on looks, was someone who I simply glanced at for the first time in my life, and she left, and without any chance to see me ever again; that really took a toll on me, but what I wasn't aware of the time, was that this type of heartbreak was only a distraction, that there were actually more important problems in my life that needed to be addressed. Talking to various people has been very helpful, and has forced me to rethink my life in various ways. How many of my problems are still affecting me emotionally, without me being aware of it, is a trivial question, but one thing's for sure: many of my problems are improving, just be the mere act of expanding my mind and thoughts. I don't think that I ever was able to figure out many people, who I've personally known, have been mad at me just because I was an acceptable person. I have tried to convince myself that despair and sadness are a thing of beauty, although I'm not sure that I ever totally succeeded. Despite going through a state of despair that is indescribable, I have still learned one major main thing: that life can be emotionally crazy, in more ways than one. The more one thinks about their mental state, the more there is that can be discovered; doom and gloom can be a wonderful thing.