In my life, I failed to find true happiness

Life is a game, and I've been losing all of the time; I don't even have a clue as to how to play it! No, seriously, this is true. At every step along the way, I fail to find happiness that isn't fake or false in my own life. I suppose that happiness (as well as satisfaction, positive feelings) are only fleeting memories that you can't grasp. I have an obsession with pain, and I want to experience as much of it as possible. In the end, it's all game over, unless I can make sense from the epain.